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Addiction, Sobriety and the Makings of Clear Channel Yoga

February 7, 2019

 

 

In 2017 I began to receive messages. At first it was a random thing here or there but they continued become more clear. I was downloading information through clairaudience, writing and physically through my yoga practice. I had always been intuitive but because I constantly drowned myself in drugs and alcohol, I never heard what my Higher Self or guides had to say until I became sober. Sure I could predict certain things happening and I could feel energy but it was soooo stifled by my own self destructive behavior. A large part of why I got into drugs and alcohol was because I was extremely sensitive to energy and did not know how to handle it.  Ever the empath, being around groups of people made me highly (pun intended) uncomfortable and I began to self medicate. 

 

So I drank. And drank and drugged and got completely messed up because I did not know how to deal with trauma from my childhood and teen years. And I started way early at the age of 12. It was a progressive thing that led to many dark moments in my life as time passed. I was in an immense amount of pain and was incredibly depressed. The more I drank and did drugs the more trauma was added to my collection. But if you are familiar with this you know that you become used to it all. You crave more of it even though you know it is bad for you. By that I mean both the alcohol and drugs but also the trauma.  I almost lost my life several times due to my addictions but it was still not enough to get me to stop. 

 

So, hidden the trauma stayed for my teen years, 20's and into my 30's. It makes me cringe to say that but it’s the truth. I realize that light can only come in with truth, so for that, I will forever continue to shine my light into my darkness, the collective darkness and towards anyone who is seeking my help.

 

The thing was, I was able to hold down a job. And for the most part pay my bills. I was kind and responsible. I traveled. I painted. I was compassionate to everyone but myself. Until I wasn't. I lied. I covered stuff up. I could be an angry drunk. I could be downright scary.

 

Eventually I began to grow tired of abusing myself and others. I was slowly dying and I knew it. I began to do yoga for meditative purposes because my anxiety was off the charts and it was hard to drink, do xanax and paxil all at the same time... Real bad things happened and I knew if I continued that I would really be found out and forced to stop. A friend *almost* called my family for an intervention but didn't end up doing it. Unfortunately *almost* doesn't count. I ended up flushing my meds down the toilet. Don't ever do that. 1) it goes into the drinking water and 2) it is very dangerous to abruptly stop paxil and xanax.

 

Brain zaps anyone?

 

Yoga eventually turned into a full on passion. It influenced me greatly in the best ways possible. I began to realize that I was in the midst of a  spiritual crisis. I began to study energetics and the chakra system at great length. I learned how experiences and trauma get stored into our bodies. It was fascinating. I highly recommend Caroline Myss's book Anatomy of the Spirit. That book changed my life and I don't say that lightly.

 

I would have fabulous days where I studied, meditated and practiced asana and then destroy it at night by getting wasted. The day afters were always horrible. Eventually the length of my soberness grew. I'd go weeks sometimes, when I was really trying but ultimately I always fell back into my vices. It was much like a roller coaster, me trying to fight my demons and spiritually awaken all the while I'd kept getting sucked back down into the depths of my despair.

 

I remember that one freezing cold day right before I went to study yoga I went to the beach, sat in the sand and sobbed. I begged out loud to heal and I told the universe to please use me in whatever way it saw fit. I put my life into Source's hands and asked please be shown the way for me. This was a defining moment in my life. I can close my eyes and bring myself back to it time and time again. I remember being so tired and scared. It was either devote my life to service or die. Literally. I chose service. 

 

Even after that I was not sober. It took me so long to learn the lessons involved. I made many, many attempts though. And I failed many times. I had all of the excuses in the book. "Just one drink." "It's not fair!" (my personal favorite). "I don't care, this is how I am." "I will stop tomorrow, next week, next month,etc" "But it's my birthday!" "I had a hard day." "It's sunny! Raining! Snowing!" I told myself so many things. Thankfully I began to see them for what they really were, not reasons but excuses. Shitty ones at that.

 

It didn't help that I was not in an environment that supported my sobriety and it took me completely changing my life for it to happen. For example, when I did my initial 200 hour yoga teacher training I had six months of sobriety. It was the longest I had ever been sober since maybe 15 (I was 32 at the time) and I was damn proud of that. After I graduated I had a friend of a friend come down to visit me in Nicaragua where I was staying for the next two months. To be honest, I didn't know her well but she was a yoga teacher and was interested in doing retreats together. For reasons I no longer care to entertain, she incessantly tried to get me to drink the entire time she was there. She wormed her way into my brain and convinced me it would be ok. I succumbed and ordered a drink one day. I remember dropping it and glass shattering everywhere. Was it a guardian angel telling me to stop? Hell yes it was! And what did I do? I ordered another drink and bought cigarettes too. I continued drinking into the night and I didn't stop for the next three years. 

 

Fast forward three years and I found myself completely out of control. I was blacking out on a nearly daily basis and I was consumed with guilt because of it. I had zero idea what was going on when I drank during that time in my life. My body was there but my spirit was not.  One morning I showed up to teach a yoga class with no sleep. No sleep, extremely hungover and still high. It was horrible. I was full of shame and I literally hated myself. I remember getting into my car after class and sitting there thinking, never again.  I forced myself to look in the mirror and said "Never Again, Amy" as tears streamed down my face. I was completely heartbroken yet numb at the same time. It was torture to meet my own gaze in the mirror. Still, a spark was made within my soul and I knew if I didn't get sober then I'd be dead within a year.

 

From that day I stopped using drugs and without drugs, the desire to drink was minimized and eventually I just stopped everything. How fucked up is that? It is way fucked but now I can look back at that person with love and compassion. Like hey, we made it out alive. We freaking did it! Talk about bringing Karuna compassion in to help heal that timeline.

 

Om Mani Padme Hum.

 

With sobriety came clarity, grace and love for myself. I was no longer fixated on needing a drink, or a line, constantly needing a smoke and being hungover for literally days on end. My moods stabilized but to be completely honest life got (temporarily) harder. Now I actually had to deal with my life. I didn't have a crux anymore. People think it's hardcore to do drugs but no, they are wrong. What's hardcore is facing life with complete sobriety. That right there, is not for the faint of heart.

 

I started teaching yoga every single morning. This helped me to remain sober in a huge way. There was no way I could slip and I could always use that as an excuse as to why I couldn’t go out as if I even needed one. Note: You never need an excuse for how you feel. Ever.

 

I devoted my life to my practice and to teaching from there on out. I lost many friends in the process. Was it sad? Yes. Lonely? Yes. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Every single trial and tribulation was literally worth my life.

 

I devoted my time to healing myself through yoga, meditation, healing foods, breathwork, crystals, tarot, etc. I continued studying the chakra system. I worked with healers...the seers: galactic shamans, reiki masters, energetic intuitives. I did group Goddess work and became an Initiate of the Sophia Dragon Tribe. I went to yoga trainings and met some beautiful souls. I also went to some other trainings and learned how to not treat people. I read so many articles and bought programs to "upgrade my dna", "how to become a healer", etc. In a sense it was great because I truly wanted to learn but on the other hand I was seeking answers outside of myself and that is no bueno. With time, I learned discernment and to always trust my gut. I realized that the only guru that really matters is the one that resides within myself. In true Aries style I decided that no one would ever lead me but myself. I began to finally find stillness and from there I became tapped in once again to the messages trying to reach me. Several people told me that I was meant to channel. And I remember thinking nice but howwww?? Welp, it didn’t take long for me to find out. I started receiving messages on a consistent basis. I began to compile all that I was receiving. It was so much good stuff on healing, movement and the breath.

 

In the Summer of 2017 the dial got turned way up. I had a kundalini awakening while practicing what is now Clear Channel Yoga. Messages were streaming and I lost control of my body while on my yoga mat. It was animalistic in nature... a release and an awakening in one. Energy soared up from my root, exploded in my sacral chakra and blasted up my sushumna nadi and out of my crown. It was set to change my life. And of course it did eventually, but right after I found myself on the other side of addiction.  It was and is heartbreaking. And immediately after that revelation, I became pregnant with my daughter Luna. Sweet Luna, the one who came to help heal my broken heart.

 

The issue was, I had this awakening and then it almost got ripped from me because I became engulfed in, well, life.  Did I allow that? Probably. Did I know within myself at the time how to not allow it to happen? No. Have I learned since then? Absolutely. It took going through so much shit to realize my true strength. I wouldn't have ever realized just how strong I am if I had not gone through all that I did.  What I learned is that not only am I strong but I am sovereign and no one can take that from me. Or you. Say it aloud, I am a sovereign being of light. 

 

With the birth of my daughter, I too was birthed again. 

 

Fast forward 9 months later and I have officially launched Clear Channel Yoga. It is a practice for people that want to tune into their Highest Self through movement, meditation and breath work. It is for people looking for a safe space where sobriety is valued. It is for people looking to clear trauma from their physical body and energetic field. It is for people that just want to get out of their heads and move their bodies. It will strengthen and stretch you from the inside out. And it is for all of the Earth Angels out there, whether they know they are one yet or not.If you are here, you are indeed an Earth Angel. This all was shown to me by my Higher Self and I am eager to show it to you, so you can tap into your own Higher Self to discover the unique messages waiting just for you. 

 

Peace & Love,

 

Amy

 

 

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