I think we all had a messed up childhood in some way. The unresolved and unhealed traumas from our parents got passed on to us, most likely in multi generational way. Not everyone was born into a 'woke' family amiright? And of course, most of us chose not to, to begin with. What fun would that be? To not have to clear generation after generation of ancestors' "stuff"? Like, yeahhh you've got your own stuff but nah, let's add some more of your family's issues that they were not able to transmute in their lifetimes. Good times! ha. ha. ha.
More on that later but for me, this involved my voice. I had an immense fear of speaking up for myself ever since I was a little girl. I did not feel safe in my body and sure as hell did not feel safe speaking up for myself for fear of backlash. Literally ever since I can remember, I stayed quiet and small. It has caused a slew of problems and I just recently began to feel comfortable using my voice as a means to express my emotions. It took years. DECADES. Literally my entire life. As a teenager and adult I used drugs and alcohol as a means to be more comfortable using my voice. When I was messed up wow you could not shut me UP. The things I've told random people... No comment. When I was 14 I overdosed on over the counter caffeine pills aka legal speed and remember laying in the hallway of my parents house shaking, sweating and vomiting. Even after that, I did not speak about it. I could NOT speak about it. It was a huge cry for help but still I could not open up. Everything got internalized until I eventually imploded.
When I became sober, I wasn’t even sure who the heck I was. Very recently, like within the past year, I’ve finally started to feel safe within myself. I began to speak my truth because I knew in my heart that other people were going through their own stuff and they needed to know they were not alone.
Then I started to lose people close to me. I finally found the power within my voice and some people really did not like this new version of me. For years they had been dealing with a scared and watered down version of myself that would let people walk all over her. A version of me that would have an issue with someone or something they said and instead of confronting the issue, I would be silently mad. Resentful. It was mega unhealthy. And it wasn’t cool at all. I kept those feelings trapped in my emotional and energetic body. I was scared. I had been conditioned to be terrified of ever speaking up for myself. Literally terrified. With a lot of self work, I am now at a place where I feel safe within my body (hello root chakra) where I can speak without the all consuming fear that something bad would happen to me if I said the wrong thing. So far, I’ve lost some people, more than a handful. I am finding the space within myself to be Ok with that. I need to be honest with myself and honest with others. My integrity will not come at the cost of being meek any longer.
Recently someone told me I was a a horrible and mean person. They told me that I acted all holier than thou and I was nothing but a fake. It’s funny because if they had said this 5 years ago, I would have agreed with them. I would post all these yoga photos with Rumi quotes and then go out all night drinking, doing drugs and god knows what. I wasn't trying to be fake back then, but I didn't know better. I wanted so desperately to get better and I really did have the best intentions.
But now?! I survived a gnarly life of addiction and made it out the other side. I’ve made myself so vulnerable in my honesty. I have bared my soul with the hope that if even just one person reads it that needs it, that is enough. Why did this “good friend” say this to me? Because I spoke up for myself and they were not used to that at all. It may seem like a small thing for someone to use their voice in this way but for me it is huge. And what happened? I got verbally attacked for it. The situation got manipulated to make it seem like I was a monster. Instead of cowering like I had been my entire life, I continued to stick up for myself. I did so briefly and then I let the conversation and friendship go. And you know what? I am safe. I used my voice and I am OK. So if anything, I am grateful for this attack. I learned a huge lesson and healed my throat chakra for real. And not just my throat chakra, but from my root on up. Again, I find myself learning lessons and finding blessings in the harsher life experiences.
What I am trying to say is, being a lightworker does not mean you are a pushover. Yes, be kind, always in all ways but don’t be so kind that you allow others to take advantage of you or belittle you. To be a lightworker you’ve got to be strong! You’ve got to have a handle on your shadow, constantly integrating it back into the light. I’m not saying to be an asshole. I am saying, it’s ok to speak your truth in a respectful manner. Otherwise you will be doing more harm than good for not just the other person but for yourself as well. It is imperative to be selective with your words. Choose them with care and put intention behind them. The power of our voices (and thoughts) is far stronger than we give credit to in our day to day lives. We can use our voices to bless the world and it’s inhabitants each and every day.
And back to the intergenerational trauma. A friend of mine posted this today and it rings true. It's something I didn't really think about too often because I have been so stuck on clearing the trauma within myself and ancestors (begrudgingly). Not only do we have trauma but we also have wisdom from our ancestors. It is within us and supports us always. Both healing and time are non-linear, therefor their prayers for us are with us now, still, even a hundred plus years later. Sit with that for a minute. There is so much power just waiting to be tapped into! We really need to start utilizing it more. I do at least. How about you?
Something that helps me to find my voice and activate my chakras is chanting the bija mantras. Bija means seed in Sanskrit and the word mantra: man- think, tra- liberate. Each sound is said to vibrate to the energy of the corresponding chakra. I will typically chant them in order seven times each although sometimes I do it for longer. You can do this anywhere, comfortably seated, laying down... sometimes I even chant it in the car when I am on my way to teach a yoga class or have an interview and need to clear my head. As always, listen to your intuition and go from there.
Muladhara (root): Lam
Svadisthana (sacral): Vam
Manipura (solar plexus): Ram
Anahata (heart): Yam
Vissudha (throat): Ham
Ajna (third eye): Om
Sahasrara (crown): Silence