So, I have been going through a period of stillness. Or rather, an extended stillness from this past Winter. An integration of sorts. I had been go, go, going. A flurry of ideas and channels came over and upon me and then with an abrupt halt, I was told to rest. An inner pause took over and I needed to go within. When I hear a call like that I listen. Do you?
I used to fight and fight with myself. And push when my intuition was telling me to rest. I did this for years. For almost my entire life. Or it was the opposite, doing nothing and causing myself massive amounts of stress because I wasn’t doing what I thought (or sometimes really did) need to do but I would.not.budge.
And a few months back I read that it's Ok to be/do different each day. That it is not necessary to go at the same speed or put out content at the same pace. Much like with children, everyday they are different. Their nap times vary, their moods, they don't stay the same, ever. And we as adults do not either. I am not sure where or when or by whom we got convinced that we must constantly be working when it is so very crucial to take time to recharge. To re-calibrate. To simply slow down. And it is just funny to me that I needed permission from some random person I follow on IG to actually get that. That it's Ok to not have the same schedule as yesterday. And just because I don't, doesn't mean I am not being wise with my time. If anything, I am, even more so. And you are too. Why though, did I need permission outside of myself? And another layer of the onion peels back...
This past Winter was full of a lot of healing on my end. And I didn't rush it. I waded through despair, anger, confusion. I sat with it. I sat with it until I could make some type of sense of it, or at least come to terms with it. And recently, I noticed I started feeling better. I actually begin to legitimately be hopeful. And confident in myself and my capabilities again. I began to work on my business and start creating again in the forms of retreats, workshops,website stuff. Healing modalities and I even started making art again. For the first time in a long time, I felt peace. Like, a complete peace. I would find peace holding my sweet daughter but there was always this chaos in the background. Gnawing away at me. Until I made a choice and then some more choices followed the first and here I am coming out on the other side, transformed. Infinitely stronger, following the spiral path of the Way.
But as the story goes, my story at least, this week I came across some stragglers. The discarded feelings that I had pushed aside thinking I had healed. It came to light, I looked at it with a distance of a past lover's gaze as you pass each other on the road years later. It was sad stuff I'd rather not deal with but I knew it was totally imperative I dealt with it. Otherwise...stuff festers and grows like tooth decay left unchecked.
So often we want to rush. Rush through an experience, rush through healing and just "power through". The thing is, what helps to heal us is stillness. Sitting in the stickiness and mucked up stuff. To really feel the feelings. They are there for a reason, on a soul level, to teach us something. So when we try to rush through it or muddle it down with distractions ie: drugs, alcohol, sex, over sleeping or overworking then we are totally missing the point. And only half healing, if that. We are missing the point and then calling forth more mirrors in the forms of relationships (all types,: romantic, platonic, work, etc) that reflect back to us the shit we need to work on. And it will keep happening until we face our stuff and really deal with it.
Our higher selves will keep giving us the lessons until they are learned. For example do you find yourself always being in relationships that are toxic? Let’s say being with a controlling partner, for example. This stems from somewhere. It’s not just a coincidence that you find yourself getting into relationships with someone that likes to control what you do. And it’s not something you “like”. Did you ever think, maybe you like it because you are used to it and like all addictions, even if it is unhealthy, we still do it because the risk of being uncomfortable without it is something we are not willing to do.
But it goes back sooo far. It goes SO deep. Back to our childhood. In this case maybe we had super controlling parents or maybe we, more likely, we had zero control from them and that’s why we are searching for it now. I’m obviously not a psychologist but I speak from experience from what I’ve been through myself. And that’s all I’ll ever do, speak from experience. Keep it real or keep it moving.
So how do we heal? Through the bravery to sit with our deepest, most hidden away trauma. Through fostering our inner child that carries so many unconscious thought patterns and experiences from our childhood. It’s getting quiet and working with our breath. It’s turning to the Earth and all of her amazing sources of healing: the sun, water, plant, the air, animals, soil. There are so many answers if you just get still and tune in. Do you think you’ve be placed on this planet and not have the sources you need to heal yourself? It’s realizing that all answers lie within yourself. The more I tune we become, the more we utilize our life as a living prayer. We begin to realize that this Holy Spirit we hear of, is really within us. And surrounded by us in the form of earth, nature and all of her inhabitants.